(Download a PDF of “Wife no. 19” in its entirety HERE.)
When I was still a True Blue and faithful believing member of the FLDS, I spent countless hours typing and formatting old Mormon books into the computer. I would get on Internet Archive or The Gutenberg Project pages and scour through page after page of old books searching for more “faith promoting” stories that I could share with my children.
I still have hundreds of books on my computer. Sadly, I have to admit that I heavily edited some of them, and one day when I have time I intend to go back through and restore them to their original form. Editing was something I learned from church leaders. Sometimes there are things that are uncomfortable so you just cut out those parts and pretend like they never happened.
As I gathered books in the past I came across this one: Wife no. 19, as well as others like “Tell it All.” As I began to retype the stories held in those pages I recoiled in well-trained horror to realize these were anti-polygamy books! I quickly deleted every trace of them from my hard drive.
Now, years later and much wiser I have reclaimed these books. I hold them dear because in many ways they tell my story too. And just like I’ve seen so many times in other forums, I realize that I was mistaken when I considered them anti-polygamy. They only speak the truth of what Mormon Fundamentalist Patriarchal Polygamy is.
The stuff that true believers have to be careful to never voice. The stuff you cram down deep into the darkest recesses of your heart and pretend that it doesn’t hurt. The stuff that you ignore and shoo back into the shadows as you paste on your superficial “Keep Sweet” smile and tell everyone that you love “The Principle.” Even though saying those words feels like daggers to your heart and a betrayal of your very soul. But even that elicits a well-trained response: It’s your own unworthiness/selfishness/wicked jealousy/desire to sin that makes polygamy hard. Keep your feelings silenced or everyone around you will know that you are weak and wicked.
I have been working on reformatting several books into easier to read versions. I found them on Internet Archive. Starting today, I’m going to be posting one chapter each day, with my thoughts and input on that chapter. I welcome you to join in this conversation.
Brenda's Journey 